Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Den of Iniquity

Maybe it was the fact that we were buzzing from drinking frozen margaritas at Guzman's.  Maybe it was because one of the couples we were with don't get out much and were keen to keep our casual Sunday night dinner going.  Whatever it was, something wicked led us to Freestyle Tout at Emporium, or as I like to call it, "the Den of Iniquity".

We thought we'd just have a little look at the menu.  How bad could it be to have just one little peek?  We could stop if we wanted to.  Sure we could. 

Oh but we were wrong.  So very wrong.

For those who haven't ventured into Freestyle Tout's evil lair before, you should know that you will come out a changeling.  Or rather, you will come out so hepped up on chocolate, sugar and fat that you won't quite know where you are.  You may also come out perturbed by the fact that you have done something that you're not proud of.  Something you may not want to talk about.

As Brisbane's premier dessert bar, Freestyle is a dark place, a sinful place, and oh so very naughty. 

Perusing the dessert menu, it was saucy, rich and self indulgent.  Utterly gratuitous.  And we liked it.  I mean they had sticky date pudding and churros and mousse.  And crumble.  And tart.  And cheesecake.  And brulee.  On the same menu.  WERE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS?  Yes they were.  These people were depraved.

Before we knew what we were doing, we were ordering straight off the dessert menu.  We knew it was wrong but it felt so right.  As we waited for our orders, feet tapping nervously on the floor, the conversation topics turned saucy, rich and self indulgent too.  From who's dating who, to relationships, to marriage, our fellow dessert degenerates delved deeper and deeper.

And then the iced chocolate arrived.

Eyes almost popped out of heads as a hushed silence fell on the table and cheeks flushed.  The thing was massive.  Perverted.  They had tipped half a bottle of chocolate topping into it.  At this point we became a little uncertain.  Had we stumbled into someplace we didn't belong?  Could we handle what was to come? 

Before long the next order came out.  The Lindt Chocolate Saucy Pudding.

This obscene creation is probably one of the best things on the menu at Freestyle.  I mean Lindt chocolate is like edible porn on its own.  But use it to make a pudding.  Top it with chocolate ice cream, a white chocolate swirl decoration and surround it with an oozing pool of white and dark chocolate sauce.  That is just twisted.

And then there was the Chocolate Deluxe Sundae.  Simple.  Devious.  Deviant.  A shard of chocolate crassly sticking out of it. 

My husband hunched over it, his arm around the perimeter, protecting it from attack by neighbouring dessert eaters.  Or should I say lotus eaters?

And then the White Chocolate Raspberry Brioche Dumplings arrived.

What kind of miscreant bakes raspberry brioche laced with butter, turns it into a dumpling fit for frying, kinkily inserts white chocolate inside it, deep fries them like a simple donuts and rolls the precious parcels in SUGAR!!!??  Someone with a serious dessert addiction.  Then to serve along side it both white and dark chocolate sauce with raspberries?  Pure dastardliness.

As the chocolate, sugar and fat quickened our pulses, conversation topics plumbed new depths.  Before we could stop we were talking sex.  From positions to sex toys, to porn.  It all came out, uncontrollably as we stabbed madly at our desserts at fever pitch.  Giggles escaped lips.  Eyes rolled in heads.  And spoons moved mechanically back and forth from plate to mouth.

And then as quickly as it had begun, it was over and we were left sheepishly licking the chocolate sauce from spoons, fingers and chins. 

Like the morning after, it was all a little bit awkward and embarrassing.  After hastily getting the bill and quickly making our separate exits, without meeting each other's eyes, there was pause for thought.  One thing was for certain.  We would never speak of our encounter with Brisbane's Den if Iniquity again.

Freestyle Tout on Urbanspoon

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